Push You, Pull Me
by spero spiro
Summary: Years pass on and the pain of loss doesn't always fade. Maybe all he needed was to just let go of it. AxelRoxas, RikuSora Roxascentric
1. Stuck in Reverse

**Push You, Pull Me**

**Note: There's not really anything for me to say about this story except that it is probably one of my only stories written purely in dedication to someone. No story needed behind it, it just is. I have the feeling that Axel/Roxas would have been a favorite couple, so I decided to go ahead and write this story with that in mind. _You_ know who you are. This one is for you.**

_**In memoriam**_

_**Stephanie Joy Landsman**_

**_April 26th, 1988 – June 6th, 2004_ **

**Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, only their portrayals. Thank you for not suing.**

**Description: Years pass on and the pain of loss doesn't always fade. Maybe all he needed was to just let go of it. AxelRoxas, RikuSora **

**Chapter One: Stuck in Reverse**

It would have been a lie if I said life just went on when I went back to being a part of Sora. Even when he went home with Riku, I would be lying if I said that I just settled back into being that unnamed part of him that had been released with his Heart when he wanted to save Kairi. Even he, Sora, would be lying if he said that things were normal again. They weren't.

They never again could be. Ever.

The fact was that even if I had been there before, which I didn't really remember, I hadn't had the taste of freedom and then I did. Even when I went back to Sora, I still remembered what it was like to have freedom from him, however restricted it had been without a heart of my own. I remembered what it was like to be alive, but not existent; in love, but without a heart to love with. I remembered Axel and our friendship fallen over the line into something more impossible. I remembered, and I was never going to be the same.

_Forgotten, but not lost._

On the other hand, Sora could never go back to the way he was because of everything that had happened. There's only so much weight a young Heart can handle, and having part of yourself ripped out when you had to make the choice to save one of your best friends was a weight he could have done without. In fact, there were hundreds of stones each weighing a ton, worries and responsibilities, that had been laid upon his Heart. Even after everything, he still had that weight bearing down on him, and he wasn't as carefree as he had been before. This Sora was considerably more serious and concerned about everything than he used to be. He was quiet, reserved, and only occasionally did his youthful innocence shine through. Other times, it was just as lost as he felt inside. After almost a year and a half of fighting Heartless, Nobodies, and enemies after his Heart and abilities, things he hadn't really wanted nor asked for, Sora was war-weary and ever conscious of the threats that could come to take him.

No, life had not gone back to normal. But Kairi could pretend it had, and while she, as a Princess of Heart, had the ability to wield a keyblade, she had not experienced the weight and responsibility Sora had. She had grown a bit, but did not understand Sora's pain and the odd absence he felt in his life now that the adventure was over. It was like he had been on an adrenaline high for so long, he was waiting for the next thing to jump and change and make it so he had to rush away from his appreciated peace. Roxas knew, and Sora knew, that the latter and Kairi simply didn't see eye to eye on the way Sora was feeling. And so, any crush that may have morphed into more sometime over the time he'd been away evaporated into nothing but dust, and Sora occasionally felt a twinge of jealousy that Kairi could live almost like she had before everything had changed for him.

Riku, I knew, was forever changed. He was not going to go back to being the way he had once been, and that was ever evident in his now quiet demeanor and suspiciously absent arrogance that had been lost along the way of him learning how to grow up in the worst of all situations. Being consumed by the darkness in his heart had made things very difficult for me. Sometimes, however, I still caught myself wondering what would have happened if I had just defeated Riku the second time he came for me. I knew that Sora would have eventually woken up without me, but that I was needed to speed the process… And if he had woken without my influence, it probably would have been so late that it would have been worse for him or impossible. Would I have found what I wanted and simply gone back to Axel?

_Axel_… His name was like the key to a thousand memories that could come unbidden at any moment his name was recalled and spoken.

_Lost, but not forgotten._

And Axel was brought up often, mostly between Sora and Riku, who couldn't shake the feelings that something more was waiting out for them. Sora knew the Heartless weren't gone, and were merely biding their time. I knew it as well. But it had been nearly two years since we had all gone back to "the way things were" and found that they weren't the way they had been. It had been almost two years since Xemnas was defeated. Since Sora and Riku and Kairi went home, and Naminé and I went back into our Others. Two years since Axel had given his life and half-existence to save Sora... Everything he'd done… to see me.

I was in pain like nothing else I could have ever imagined every day after he faded into the nothingness. I wanted him to have another life so much…I wanted to meet him in the next life we wouldn't get to have together, and after I merged back with Sora, the pain that I wouldn't have fully felt as a Nobody crashed over me and ached every day. Sometimes, it would get so bad that I would seem to get some kind of clue that Axel may have still been alive… And I would start to believe he was, and it was just a horrible joke, and Axel was waiting for me. But… he wasn't.

And even if he was, I would never be free again from Sora.

Sora rarely spoke to me, but when he did, the words were quiet, even words directed at the ocean, but really for me. Sora knew I was there, like a known part of him that had always been there, but never had a name of its own. Now, Sora knew. Now, Sora talked to me.

"Roxas… it's getting close to that time again." He murmured to the waves.

I knew. How couldn't I know? Every time that time of the year came, I knew and the pain seemed to double and triple and it was tenfold worse than normal, no longer an aching pain in my heart that I thought and dwelled on every day, but a sharp, stabbing pain that wracked my entire existence. I'm sure Sora felt it too, to some degree. But one could never be sure.

Sora had grown over the years, even more than he had before. Riku, of course, still was so several inches taller than him, but Sora stood at a proud six feet. He was still a bit lanky, but there was no helping that. Sora didn't seem to mind, either. The brunet sat down slowly in the sand, watching the waves rise and fall on the beach, toward him.

"I know you're hurting."

So did I. How could I not hurt? How could I forget that I was hurting? I knew, and sweet Kingdom Hearts, there were times I wished I could just forget the hurt. On the day that was coming up so quickly, the day that Axel died, I knew I was just going to want to forget that I even existed. I didn't want to know it was coming, or when it would come, but I knew I'd never, ever forget. It was too hard.

"I wish there were something more I could do than sit here and wait for it to come, you know?" Sora released a long sigh. He was no fool. He never would be, and never had been. He'd grown so much over the course of his journey, and then even so much more when he came home and realized how much it had changed him. And in the past few years, he had grown to be much more in tune with me, instead of being prone to violent mood swings when I was upset and he was happy, or the rare case of the former reversed. It took time and practice, but eventually Sora and I successfully pulled off being two people within one body.

_I don't want to exist when it comes…_ I thought within myself, and the message thrummed itself through Sora's heartstrings in the language of emotion. There was no name for how it was we communicated, nor the emotions that would surface from it.

Sora's eyes closed and he shook his head slowly. "I can't help you, Roxas." He opened his eyes and looked out over the ocean. "I want to, but I can't." I knew he couldn't. I also knew that if he could, he would have, however he could. I'm sure that if Sora knew how, he'd have gone and resurrected Axel from wherever it was that Nobodies went to when they died and turned himself into a Heartless again so I could just see him… be with him, again. Sora was like that. He'd risk anything and everything to make sure even just one person was safe and happy again.

We both knew that it was impossible in my case, though.

"We'll figure it out." Sora told me soothingly and stood up. He wasn't only talking about my pain. Sora was tormented enough by his own thoughts, which were now including some rather awkward ones concerning his best friend. He was as confused and lost as I was. He never had to tell me about them, I was in his Heart and I knew. I wanted him to find his way and make himself happy, regardless of me. Regardless of how nostalgic I could feel. No matter what… Sora deserved to move on with his life, past the things that were gone.

I had already resigned myself to the fact that I never would.

**End Chapter One**


	2. One Sided Ultimatum

**Push You, Pull Me**

**Note: As I'm writing this story, I've been trying to pinpoint exactly what characters the story should be listed under. The story itself, in the timeline it is set in, is clearly a Riku/Sora story. However, it is told in the eyes of Roxas, who remembers his rocky, uncertain relationship with Axel, which makes it an Axel/Roxas story. And then, it is also told with the interactions between Sora and Roxas, within Sora's body and heart and mind. So, it you wanted it separated into pairs that it could be classified under, it could easily be classified as Riku and Sora, Axel and Roxas, or Sora and Roxas. In fact, it is all three, and it makes me happy as such.**

**Chapter Two: One Sided Ultimatum**

Late one night, just a few nights before I had to face Axel's ghost, and lack thereof, again, I tried laying silently within Sora. His breathing was steadying, but he wasn't asleep, just coming down off the afterglow of his ministrations. Soon, very soon, guilt would flood into him and replace the glorious release. Sora could only be himself when he was alone (_with me_) and resigned to something he had chosen to never publicly acknowledge.

Sora didn't need magazines or mental images of things accepted by society, he just needed the strength to release himself of his inhibitions on what he wanted. Thoughts that had bothered and disturbed him had crept in and taken root when he was careless about fighting them off, and now he secretly indulged them. It just wasn't so secret with me around.

I wasn't going to judge him. I'm sure he appreciated that.

But as the glow faded from his system and the rush of endorphins dissipated, I felt guilt replace them as he curled up in a confused ball, and hot tears forming. He balled up a fist and pummeled his pillow in frustration. No one could hear his thoughts, but I could _feel_ them like he felt mine, and that was just as good.

_It'snotokayit'snotokayit'snotokayshameshameshame!_

Acceptance and reassurance, he needed. Bitter shame and rejection of himself, he did not. And all he had who knew about his inner battle was the ghost of someone—some_thing_—that had never really existed in the first place. Whether he really acknowledged it or not, Sora had been dealt a pretty rotten hand in life, and he was determined to play it through to the end under the mask of what he was _expected_ to be.

_We don't both deserve to be unhappy._ I thought, and knew he'd feel it, because it had been a strong emotion I had meant. Maybe my existence was pathetic and improper, but his was something more. Sora had a strong Heart, and that came with a strong will, but stronger emotions. Someday, that will would cave to those emotions and he would either drown in his utter misery, or he would find the greatest happiness in the world.

He had gotten the message, but it didn't stop the tears that no one would ever see from spilling onto the pillow in his guilt. "I… can't." In his mind, I was sure that he could only see one possible outcome for himself:

There was no way he could follow his heart on this choice it had made without his consent. He would steel himself and live as he was expected, and there would be no deviation from that standard. He would _never_ let on his feelings about Riku, nor the private thoughts that dominated him during nights. He would forget they ever existed. He would choose to be unhappy rather than fret over other's unhappiness about his choices.

_Listen to your heart, Sora. And if you can't understand what it's telling you, I will always be honest with you and I will tell you._

Sora gripped his pillow tightly and I felt a wave of sympathy. Empathy, really. I knew what it was like not to be able to do and have what you wanted. Too well, really. Sora had a choice, though, even if I didn't. I could live through Sora. I could be happy through him.

"You don't need this, Roxas…" He whispered, still guiltily gripping his pillow. "I'm sorry."

_No, Sora,_ I thought. _You don't need this._

And Sora probably didn't believe me, but he fought back his guilt again, and tried not to think of how _right_ it had felt, and he eventually fell into a fitful sleep, filled with nightmares of hatred and anger at himself.

I stayed awake for a long time and felt bad for him. He was so much better than this. He deserved more choices than he gave himself.

**End Chapter Two**


End file.
